Postpartum

Hi Everyone!
I know, I know, it's been a looooooong time since I posted something. But have you seen my adorable baby???? Obviously I'm busy playing with her and dressing her up 5 times a day in different outfits. Look how cute she is:

Seriously, the absolute cutest. Love her.

I've been approached by a few people to share my story of Postpartum Depression in order to encourage other mom's and to bring to light a thing that isn't talked about. I had a massive response to sharing the story of our miscarriage and so I am going to share with you today my journey as I struggle through Postpartum Depression.

When you have a baby it is assumed that life is all sunshine and rainbows and baby giggles and joy at finally meeting your little one. But for many people like myself, it wasn't. My baby blues were more than just baby blues, and they lasted a long time. I would have meltdowns of epic proportions which involved screaming, crying, cry-screaming, sobbing, sob-screaming, and misery of all sorts. It was horrible. It was horrible because this beautiful, perfect, baby girl, that I had cried out in prayer for YEARS for, was finally here and after 15 years of wanting nothing more than to be a mom, I realized I hated it.  After losing my first child and praying and questioning whether or not I would conceive again, I had my rainbow baby - and even though she was/is a wonderful baby, I didn't like my new role as mom. It was heartbreaking.

In early August, after yet another meltdown (bless my husband's loving and patient heart), I decided that my behaviour was more than just simply exhaustion and 7 weeks of agonizing breast-feeding pain. I went to the ER at the hospital and sought medical help. I was so embarrassed and hurt and disappointed in myself that I didn't even tell Arron I was going. I left him with Eve and took myself. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, the doctors and nurses at our local hospital are FABULOUS. I was so incredibly blessed to meet with the ER doctor on call who just happened to have 20 years experience as a psychologist.  I went home, talked with Arron, left Eve with our grandparents and took Arron back to the hospital with me to talk to the doctor about treatment.

Friends, I have done EVERYTHING I can possibly do to get myself back to normal-Nikki. I started medication, have done counselling, had my mom move in for a week and a half and then went back to Kamloops with her for another week. I humbly e-mailed my friends in town and asked for meals, and for someone to come over every day to watch Eve so I could have a nap. That was hard. But my friends stepped up in a major way. They brought meals, they baby sat Eve (even if it meant calling their mothers over to watch their own children), they prayed, they did my laundry, they swept my floors. One friend took the 4am shift a few times so that I could get more sleep.  It was probably the most humbling time of my life, but I'm glad it happened because I needed to get better so I could be a good mother, and a good wife.

Asking for help sucks! Admitting you can't take care of the child you prayed for sucks! Failing at something (breastfeeding) when you always have succeeded at things, sucks! Needing your mommy to take care of you when you are 34 sucks! But having friends and family around who love you and will help you through these trials is amazing!! AMAZING! I am so blessed and loved.

Things are much better these days. It took about 4 weeks for my medication to kick in, and right around the same time Eve started sleeping (mostly) through the night. I got the help I needed and life is good again. I still have the occasional episode and I will be 'in treatment' (medication and therapy) for a year, but it is helping and I feel like myself again.

I thought I would share with you a list of helpful do's and don'ts for interacting with someone struggling with postpartum depression. This list is specific for me and may not be the same for other people.


Don't
-Ask me how I'm doing (unless you are a good friend)
-Say phrases like "you must love being at home with your little one." "are you loving being a mom?" "you must be so thrilled to finally start a family." Sometimes these things are true, often they aren't.  Don't get me wrong, things are OK, but I miss my job, and mom-ing is hard and sometimes boring. I like it, but I don't love it like people think I should (and like I thought I would.)
-Tell me I look good. It's a lie. I'm carrying around what I could say is baby-weight, but it's really just kit-kats and Mrs. Vicky's chips.
-Ask me to help with anything. If I volunteer to do something, or ask if I can help then I will, but if you ask me, I feel like I should help and then I get overwhelmed.



Do
- Offer to babysit my super content baby so I can have some free time.
- Drop off a meal.
- Send and encouraging text.
- Pray
- Remind me how awesome and adorable my baby is.
- Drop off a beer for Arron. Because he is a superstar helping me get through this.
- Ask me about my counselling and what I'm learning and how I'm implementing new skills.
- Send me funny video's and memes.
- Read this article so you can understand the basics of my illness
- Ask me to share something funny that Eve or Arron did that made me chuckle recently.

I really am feeling good these days, and I want to encourage other mom's who are struggling that you can get better. It's hard and it is humbling. But if you really want to get better you need to suck it up and ask for help. People will help. You are loved and being part of a family - be it by blood or by choice, means that you will get the help you need so that you can get better.  If you need help, or want to reach out and talk more about it, send me a message.