So now what?
How are we doing? What is happening? What can you do? I'm going to be very honest with you during this blog, partly because it is super healing for me to write about this, and partly because I want you to know what it is like so that you can be sensitive toward me as well as other people that will inevitably cross your path who are in the same situation as I am.
After our surprising and devastating loss two weeks ago we were immediately surrounded in prayer and love by our family and friends across the country. As sucky as our last two weeks have been, that was pretty amazing and I have remarked many times to Arron that our miscarriage experience could not have been better. We had excellent nurses, excellent support, and excellent care and love from people all over Canada. I knew that people loved us, but I guess it took a tragedy for us to really feel and see all that love all at once. Thank you. Even if all you did was read my story, it made me feel better.
So how are we doing? Well, to be honest, usually we are fine, and sometimes I have uncontrollable meltdowns. We have been given so much love and prayer that we are pushing through this trial with remarkable strength and grace. Like I just said, as far as crappy experiences go, there is not one thing that we wish could have been different. I generally feel fat and angry that I'm fat because all this fat was supposed to go to a baby. I can not handle seeing babies, in fact I had a meltdown in the parking lot at Walmart the other day when I saw a stranger with a baby and I haven't been out shopping since. I have been doing a lot of crafts and creative work and that has been very healing for me. Texting people who are curious and willing to listen has been a great help too. I had a cry with my mom this weekend, and a good belly laugh while out with my sisters.
What is happening? Well, currently I am healing. Physically things are almost back to normal. The healing process for my hormones and emotions is touch and go. Our child was planned and prayed for and right now I'm pretty terrified of tempting this process again. We will for sure, we want a family but I know that the moment I get pregnant again I will be scared the entire time, just waiting for another miscarriage. Arron and I spend a lot of time cuddling and now that the weather is nice, we spend time outside. He works on his motorcycles, I am getting our yard and gardens ready. We are focusing more on our hobbies and what we enjoy. At times we sit around and mourn, but most of the time we keep occupied and busy. We are both back at work and although my first day back was really tough, it had to happen. It's hard to walk down a hallway while 150 pairs of little eyes look at you with pity knowing that your baby died a few days ago. My students have been good though, they are sad with me, and the staff at both of our jobs have been super supportive and kind.
What can you do for someone like me? I don't like it when people ask me this question. You can't DO anything to fix this. On the other hand though, there are actions that can be taken to make this phase of our life easier. But I don't want to tell you what those things are. Arron and I are pretty self sufficient and we don't like asking for help.... ever.... even when life is tough. I have so appreciated the people who haven't asked what they can do, but instead have told me what they are going to do for me to bless us. I've been blessed with meals, flowers, gifts, cards, and even a 'sunshine package' from my sisters full of little presents that we get to open whenever we feel down. Gift cards came in the mail from people far away, and texts asking me how I'm doing in case I want to talk about it. I get e-mails from so many people who have been in my spot giving advice or an ear to talk to. It has been so comforting to find out that so many people I know have been in this dark place and are mourning with me. I also like it when you guys (my friends and family) spread the word about what happened so I don't have to have awkward encounters with acquaintences congratulating me on my pregnancy and then I have to tell them I miscarried and start crying. (This has happened a few times. Super awkward.) Tell me that it's ok that I have a muffin top and that I didn't put make-up on. Talk with me when I want to talk, but don't push it if I'm avoiding the topic.
Everyone that has surrounded us during this unfortunate turn has been amazing. So loving and helpful and kind and generous. I am so thankful to be cared about by so many people. So thankful.
